Of Naval Gazing

Two weeks ago, some of the men spoke up about not advertising what you’re not selling. Some women noted that men lust no matter what they wear. Ten years ago, our female principal issued a warning to staff: No open-toed shoes, shorts, or sleeveless shirts. A few female teachers and therapists rebelled, but none like “Jane,” who came to work the following day dressed like Daisy Duke. She was consequently sent home. When she returned in the afternoon, she was dressed like Eliza Jane Wilder, the timid, yet stern exemplar of 19th century school teacher propriety, in a gaudy toe-length frontier dress, only the skin of her hands and face showing. What was going on in our school?

First of all, Jane was married at the time. Does that really make a difference? She certainly didn’t think so. She had a habit of wearing as little to work as possible, complaining about the heat or needing to be comfortable. All well and good. I considered myself a feminist. At the time, the whole debate was meaningless to me. Later, after I got married, I changed my opinion. Counselors, your male patients will have opinions on the matter. For myself, it is important to know where I was coming from before marriage, and then after.

I asked myself, “Self? What can you do about this new rule?” I circulated a petition to lighten the mood, entitled, “PETITION FOR OPEN-TOED SHOES, TANKTOPS, AND SHORTS,” for the men to sign. We would then give it to the principal as a sort of chauvinist joke. When it returned to me, it had every signature in the building on it—male and female, save one, who took it too seriously and turned me in. I went to the office. I was lectured about the merits of decency, the high standards of education, and the distraction of sexual signals.

Grammer, et al., (2004) sought to find out if females at a nightclub dressed differently according to sexual motivation or relationship status. Among several conclusions, one was that women at a nightclub—married and single—dress the same. They do so for many different reasons other than sex: Comfort, to feel bold, or to feel stylish. Another conclusion is that men value modesty in long-term partners, and see women in tight clothing and showing more skin as less restrained. In other words, the tighter and more revealing, the more open to suitors a woman appears (to a man). Still a man’s problem? Men wonder what the married woman dressed like a “single woman” is thinking, and it reminds of us the old Gary Puckett song, “Woman, have you got cheating on your mind?”

When women were asked if they were aware of the social signals (modest/sexy/bold) their clothing styles sent, Grammer concluded that they were aware. This indifference to the signals clothing sends to men is what bothers men, and in part, defines the schism between men and women on what’s acceptable female-dress.

For all you marital counselors, here’s a counseling issue you might face. Say a man exacts some control over what his wife wears, or his daughter. What happens? When men ask women to take some responsibility for the male-visual lust problem, they run the risk of 1) Being called a Bible-thumping conservative; 2) being called a hypocrite; or 3) being called a chauvinist. I’ll give my own testimony as an example of how a man might reason.

First of all, “For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God” (Romans 6:23), and all includes me. God was probably not proud of the content of my petition, for He said, “It is good neither to eat flesh, nor to drink wine, nor any thing whereby thy brother stumbles, or is offended, or is made weak” (Romans 14:21). He asks if our hearts are pure and reminds us that the path to Heaven is narrow. I would add that’s it’s both narrow, and full of temptation. It is easy to trip, but I don’t want women covered up from head to toe because we men are afraid that bending over the oven on the Sabbath will interrupt our prayer. This is why Muslim women were historically restrained from cooking on Islam’s holy day (Landau, et al., 2006). I like a good, oven-baked Sabbath dinner.

Second, to the issue of hypocrisy. Is it exploitation and lust when a married man explores another woman’s emotions, secrets, and dreams in general? One student was very assertive about this. Is it hypocritical for me to ask my wife to cover herself so other men can’t see her naval, while I try to get a female to share intimate details about her life and heart for a story? Would I want my wife taking men’s ethnographies or oral histories? No, but my wife’s not a writer, either. Baring the soul should only occur in certain settings: marriage, in confession, in prayer, in counseling, or with close family, to name a few. And even within these frames, the person listening should be trusted and treat information with confidence. Sharing is very intimate and can be deeply personal, and I think this person was right to draw a comparison to how seductive this sort of sharing can become in impure minds, equally, if not more so than a woman flaunting a beautiful body. I’m no hypocrite, but I think I learned something there.

Third, I was one of a few who raised his hand declaring myself a feminist. When it was clarified that a feminist is interested in equal—not special rights—for women, more raised their hands, but still not a majority. I took the BEM and, to let my bias show, am androgynous. How happy I was. ‘I’m not a chauvinist pig,’ I thought. I don’t beat my wife when she wears something I don’t approve of; nor do I flog a man for ogling her when she doesn’t. I simply point him out and remind her that I’m the only man that brings her a fuzzy naval.

Are women really indifferent to the sexual signals their bodies and their clothing send? It’s one thing to ignore the oaf that’s staring at you—despite your wedding ring. It’s another to ignore your husband’s anxiety that lust invokes. We are also to be pure of heart and to take responsibility for our sins. Perhaps clothing is in that gray area. We are commanded to fear only God. Maybe men who build walls, privacy fences, and pull the curtains may fear more than He. Counselor’s run the risk of blaming one or the other for this fear, or blaming the oaf at the bar. We don’t want a return to the 15th century, or to embolden our girls to follow the lead of Brittany Spears.

It was a surprise to me how many women signed my petition. Most of these were married. I can’t say that Jane—or any female that worked there—was indifferent to arousing young male students, any more than I can that Jane just didn’t like her boss. Men may converse with women at different levels for different reasons, as well. Conversation, clothing, and attraction do not condemn people. It’s how people respond to them, and how they are used. With God’s grace, I hope we all find common ground.

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Grammer, K., Renninger, L, & Fischer, B. (2004). Disco clothing, female sexual motivation, and relationship status: Is she dressed to impress? The journal of sex research, 41, 66-74.

Landau, M.J, et al, (2006). The siren’s call: Terror management and the threat of men’s sexual attraction to women. Journal of personality and social psychology, 90, 129-146.